Finding Worthiness Within My Soul

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There are so many different ideals on what truly makes up a persons worth. For some it is how hard they work, what car they drive, what house they own, what clothes they wear, what gifts they give, what social media posts have the most likes, shares, and comments, what picture they project to the outside world, what income they make, what they appear to treat others like, and yet the fear of not being seen through a lack of self worth is so real within all of those things. Absolutely none of those things make up a persons self worth or true worthiness to others. I believe that being worthy to others is a lie we tell ourselves from the Ego to keep up the facade in order for us to appear in a way that we believe is appeasing to others. The reality behind it is the scrambled self destruction it causes within the shell of our yolk. When we strive to be worthy for anyone or anything outside of ourselves we disregard our own self worth, our own self love, our self truth in its purest form. We metaphorically fry ourselves in a pan, shells included while disregarding the impact of the shards as we swallow ourselves whole from the outside in. The shards scraping us in every direction while being left in the scrambled up sponge of unworthiness we allowed ourselves to believe in as our truth.

For the longest time in my life I teetered back and forth from a lack of self worth. Worried internally about what someone would think, while projecting outwardly that I didn't give a f*** about what another thought of me. I was a conditionally tamed lioness, deep in the fury of herself, while allowing the world around me to be my worth. None of which gave me a sense of worth but were a hopeless promise of being worthy if I just did this, looked like that, achieved this, behaved like that. The thing about it all is that I had completely lost myself in the conditioning I received through family, friends, society, employment, trauma, toxic shame and all the stories I made up for myself and set as core beliefs from the lack of worth I felt within.

It was so easy to become a vibrant cheerleader for others around me, to see there worth and make them feel valued all while degrading myself and not seeing my own worth in that process. I fought so hard for others to feel uplifted, wanting them so badly to believe they deserved to be happy and achieve greatness for themselves. From within that I left myself depleted believing it was my purpose in life to fight for others more than they fought for themselves. I was left with the mess of my own life I unhinged. All for what I believed at that time was wanting another to feel worthy as themselves, when in reality it was my own self worth I was seeking to validate through showing up for them. There were definitely times where I was a complete A**hole from my lack of self worth, completely depleted from showing up for others how I felt an indebted responsibility to. Very intensely I might add on various occasions, completely lacking empathy and compassion in any form for anyone myself included. What a detrimental scam I was, to them, to myself, to the core essence of my souls true purpose. I was so unhappy, yet projecting my happiness in this fake happy way just for the idea of feeling worthy through endlessly being there for another.

The journey to understanding my worthiness was via Spiritual Healing through finding unconditional self love and acceptance from within. Does it mean that I always feel worthy in every moment, no, I am human and I am not about to pretend like it never temporarily fades at times. When my EGO is front and center or creeping around my self worth takes a dive down the poop shoot, and when my SOUL is front and center I know unwaiveringly that I am a beautiful masterpiece exactly as I am. My Souls essence radiates worthiness throughout me. It lets me know I am worthy exactly as I am for who I am while I am that version of me. Even when I am functioning from Ego my Soul is there to bring me back to it's center. What does "version of me" mean, you might be pondering? For me it means that as I heal I grow into a new beautiful version of myself that I choose to become. I change. I weave the tapestry of myself. I become my truest authentic self every step of the way. Change is such a beautifully terrifying process at times. For me a major life altering part of it was sobbing in the shower, facing and feeling every pain of the heinous trauma's I had survived, excruciatingly as if I was going to die from the sensations of feeling it all over again and then finding true healing from that process. Shadow work is a whole intricate post in itself for another day.

I deep dove into shadow work, through a program one of my healing teachers put on and it transformed my life and who I was in every way I never knew possible. It is where I finally believed I was truly worthy as I was. I shed so many layers of what I had thought was my impenetrable shell of doom and gloom and uplifted my life into the here and now. I am worthy exactly as I Am because my ideals of what makes me worthy are simply being me in my Truest Authentic Version. I no longer seek outside validation of my worthiness because I believe in my own self worth. It means I know what is true and right for me in every moment because I have self Love and Worth. I get to now show up for others in healthy ways. Yes, I share life with others, I have amazing soul sisters, along with my uniquely woven immediate family and yet I no longer look outside of myself for validation of who I am in order to feel worthiness inside of myself. I am always growing, and always evolving into the newest highest loving energetic vibration of my being.

Your self worth is not defined by anyone or anything else around you. When you finally come into complete acceptance of yourself you will know your true worth and no longer seek it in unobtainable ways. It isn't something anyone including myself can define and give to you it is something you have to define and give to yourself through fully accepting yourself as you are in this current version of you. One thing I know for sure is the more I seek that outside validation the further away from my true worthiness I travel. There are so many pressures and ideals around us telling us how unworthy we are if we don't......fill in the blanks every way you like, and yet you are worthy right here, right now in this very moment exactly as you are. Whether your life is what feels like a train wreck of epic proportions or a vibrant picture of glitter farts and rainbows YOU ARE WORTHY right here right now. When we come into a state of self acceptance there is no space for us to feel unworthy without being consciously aware of it. Thus allowing us to breathe, feel whatever we are feeling within us, heal it whatever way we feel called to and then releasing it back out.

Everyday I choose to live my life in a conscious way, it isn't easy and yet I am worthy of the freedom it gives me. I have the freedom of knowing that I am always the very best version of myself I can be. Worthy as I am, whether I am crying out my emotions while processing what needs healing or holding space for others in their personal self healing. Now I get to show up for myself and others how we all need instead of showing up how I felt conditioned to and burdened by in order for me to have worth. I am no longer holding myself responsible for the happiness, healing and worth of others because my worthiness is only found within me. Showing compassion for others in their process of self healing and accepting their worthiness from within is such a beautiful gift I now get to give them and myself. Sometimes people think it is selfish to put yourself first before others. For me I am being selfish when I put others before myself because that is only feeding my EGO instead of fueling my SOUL. Living a Soul Purpose Driven Life takes conscious awareness and compassion for who we are, as we are, all while accepting ourselves in that version.

There are certain core parts of me that always remain the same, while there are other pieces of me that are undoubtedly going to continue to evolve in the process of living my Soul Purpose Driven Life. Healing for me wasn't some destination to arrive at, it was awakening to the fact that healing is an ebb and flow that continues on for my lifetime. Healing is a lifetime of awakening to what's truly within me, accepting it for what it is, feeling all the feels of it while detaching all stories I may have tied to it, releasing it whatever way feels right to me for that specific thing, and then knowing and accepting my new truth as I integrate it within. Yes, it's a lot to continuously be aware of and do and yet I know that I am worthy of the freedom it gives me by living in conscious awareness of myself. Giving myself the freedom to be worthy as I am.

So let me know in the comments what this stirs up within you, I would love to hear from you! Are you conscious of where you find your self worth at? Is it in others, other things or the doing of the things? Is it inside of yourself? Has self worth and worthiness been a struggle for you to maintain? I encourage you to make some space, connect into your highest self and really reflect within on what truly makes you worthy. You might be surprised by what you find to heal or what it might reveal within the quiet stillness of your reflective breath. Reach out if you need some loving kindness in the process. The Press Into Love Community is a sacred space to be yourself as you are while you flow into the power of healing through knowing the truth of who you are.

I am so grateful for your time in reading this and as always keep Pressing Into Love Within!

Namaste,

Goddess Rising Carrie

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